Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007)

Directed by: Joe Lynch (no relation)
Starring: Henry Rollins, and some young teen meat
Premise: You're shitting me, right? Isn't the title enough? I'm surprised they actually bothered to put anything on the back of the DVD box.....they could have sold that space to Tom-Tom, Google Maps and Colgate.

I've not seen the first film. In fact, I'm only watching this because Henry Rollins is in it and I'm having a one man TV Party with a quarter of a bottle of Red Square vodka and some flat sugar free Sprite. No, I'm not a Liar. And I'll Rise Above any insults.

This is a sequel. One of those sequels that goes straight to DVD. And it shows. That said, it has production values that the makers of Shark in Venice would have been jealous of, and a budget slightly more than an Anne Summers party.

Seriously though, it's one big advert for getting a Sat-Nav. You'd never take a wrong turn with a Sat-Nav....well, unless the makers didn't consider that something bigger than a small car (like a big fucking coach or an articulated lorry) would go down a road made for a car no bigger than a tin of beans. Or that they'd been eaten by a bunch of West Virginian chemically altered redneck cannibal relations of John Denver.

By now, I'm sure the film has started.....somehow it thinks it's setting the scene as if it wants to be Southern Comfort, but you already know that Powers Boothe ain't gonna turn up and that the music is the seriously fucking disinterested bastard child of Ry Cooder's music.

Cue, Eddie Grant.....and a blonde in a sports car not really paying any attention. After displaying the dangers of not concentrating on the road and being told not to take a "Wrong turn" (well done for getting the title of the film in the script to make sure all of those that got the wrong film in the box know that they've got the wrong film....Wrong Film 2: I Wanted a Porno!!!)....which she does....she's blonde (like me.....though not like me, as this is peroxide). Yeah, she's driving to some reality TV show nearby, and she takes a wrong turn....knocks someone over....

And gets out of the car. Now, no one was about - she's a got a great opportunity to do a runner....instead, she manages to get her chin bitten off by the guy who is not dead and sliced in half head to toe by a second cannibalwith an axe....well, actually, not really toe....but, well, yeah....you can guess.....cue entrails and her corpse being dragged off. Good start.

Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie Rollins....and here he is! Yes...Grey Hair....looking distinguished. He's playing a retired Marine Colonel who is running some Apocalypse Survival Reality TV show that the woman sports car totally failed at - I mean, that's like starting a football match with 10 men because someone is scooping up their prolapsed innards in the dressing room, "Sorry guys, I'll be with you once I shove these back in".

To be honest, Rollins looks thoroughly pissed off. Like his fee was a Six Pack and he's suffering "Wrong Call 2: Why didn't I fire my agent after The Chase?" So, who have we got as the contestants?

1. Dead girl - she doesn't matter.
2. Army girl - a cliche or two waiting to happen
3. Surfer dude - he's a wanker
4. Football guy - the nice guy
5. Vegan girl - can you guess what she's going to end up doing?
6. "Hot" girl - 2/1 she'll get naked then die
7. Producer girl - takes the place of dead girl.....no call to the police? Oh right, phones don't work. Convenient...
8. Cameraman - Going out with producer girl
9. Editor guy - Next to die(??)

They shuffle together some idea for the reality TV show....in fact, the reality TV show sounds like it could be quite good. Some kind of Apocalypse Survival thing where they need to work together....yadda yadda. Let's get on with the cliches and the killin'.

Before we get going, Rollins gives us his best R Lee Ermey impression - "I lived around here and I never fucked a pig" ....woah.....Life of Pain!!!

Meanwhile, I'm learning to throw a stress ball at the TV left handed...LEFT-HANDED! That's not as easy as it sounds as it's two metres away and I'm not really done this before....but, I'm hitting the screen, if not the characters....

CLICHE ALERT 1: Editor guy goes for a piss in the woods.....I'm sure he must have had one in the caravan with all his equipment....nevertheless, whilst he's having a parabolic piss, you see him get his throat cut and get scalped over one of his cameras.....game on...

It's not long before Rollins gets captured - this guy was in the fucking army and he gets outwitted by two guys from Rednex!!! Fucking hell!! This is a really piss poor advert for the US Marines - join up, get promoted, quit and get caught by two guys that have to spit in each other's mouths to share the brain cell. Probably saying "DON'T LEAVE THE MARINES! YOU'LL BECOME SHIT AT STEALTH!"

CLICHE ALERT 2: Army girl is a lesbian. Didn't see that one coming, did you?
CLICHE ALERT 3: Surfer guy thinks this is hot....
CLICHE ALERT 4: Football guy can't play anymore due to injury....

At this point, you wonder how all the cameras, motion sensors etc. were set up without anyone getting eaten by.....shall we ignore this little plot hole?

CLICHE ALERT 5: "Hot" girl gets naked.....and after a convoluted scene where Football guy buggers off because it's a "family show", she gives Cameraman a blow job......quickly followed by....
CLICHE ALERT 6: Producer girl seeing all this.....and getting upset...and saying to vegan girl that she'll "deal with it her way".......

SAT NAV ALERT: Drive me off this picture!

So, Army Girl and Surfer dude find a BBQ - you're meant to think that this is Rollins.....but this thought is soon doused when it cuts to Rollins, The Swinging Man - tied feet first upside down. He gets stubbed a couple of times by one of Rednex.

Back to Producer and Vegan girl - producer girl wants to get out of here, so when they find a shack with NO FUCKING TELEPHONE WIRES GOING INTO IT WHAT-SO-FUCKING-EVER, they think it's a good idea to enter to USE THE FUCKING PHONE! Okay, when I'm out in the woods, I assume that every sinister looking property has a phone. And I just walk in too....

CLICHE ALERT 7: Yes, they get trapped inside....but they get out after witnessing a gross birth scene where one of Rednex gives birth to a Baby Davros.

And they run....only for Producer girl to get one seriously fucking amazingly well placed flying axe from 30 yards or so through trees land in her head.....but, she was running slower than Vegan girl, so fuck her, she got her dues. Vegan girl quickly hides....

CLICHE ALERT 8: Vegan girl is hiding and the member of rednex looking for her stops one step short of finding her......

Cut back to Cameraman who has clearly done more than get a BJ from "Hot" girl.....after he leaves the scene you know that her days are numbered in seconds.....a masturbating cannibal runs outof the trees and slashes her across the back, only after getting told off by his girlfriend/sister.......

Back to Rollins, who is opposite a guy being gutted until there is Nothing Left Inside....he manages to outwit his cannibal captor and gets free, finally starting the comeback by knocking off one of Rednex.....NOW IT'S FUCKING PERSONAL!

Over to cameraman guy, who is still oblivious to anything going on - he's back at the caravan, can't find his mates and gets trapped by a couple of the cannibals.....he's a cheating piece of shit, so you coudn't care less about him. He's not killed there and then, so something must be in store for him - it usually is for bad boys.....

*momentary distraction whilst writing due to an erectile dysfunction advert - seriously, the only guys watching Poker/Golf at 1.30am don't have problems with this...Andrex would be have been more appropriate*

So, Football guy, Army Girl and Surfer Dude are totally innocent to everything....Vegan girl turns up....Surfer dude doesn't believe her....until he realises that the "Pork" he's been eating is the blonde girl from the start....they run....I'm eating paper again....

Back to Rollins - he's gone all "Commando" now. The bad guys are far less sinister than Bennett though - they're wearing ill-fitting clothes rather than dubious chainmail. He stumbles upon an old man who can actually speak rather than converse in a series of "Hyucks".....

CLICHE ALERT 9: After spinning a yarn, it turns out that the old guy is the father of the oldest cannibals and a bit of a Family Man.

He attacks, but Rollins manages to attach some conveinetly placed dynamite to him, and light it, all in one nifty move...BOOM! SPLAT! No Deposit, No Return!

The Surviving Four stumble upon two of the cannibals having sex, and total fuck up their survival chances by totally botching the attack on them.....Vegan girl runs away and falls in a pit trap and....

CLICHE ALERT 10: The surviving three decide to fucking split up! Oh come on! STOP DOING THIS IN FILMS! Everyone knows that if they're ever in a murderous potential death at the hands of a bunch of maniacs (or maniac singular) situation that you have a better chance of surving in a group than you do on your own!

Luckily for Vegan girl, Football guy finds her before she's captured by the cannibals in their rickety old truck.....but just in time....they run...

CLICHE ALERT 11: They run....and are confronted with a cliff above water. Cliffs in films are always above water....handy, eh? So, they jump....

CLICHE ALERT 12: In a separate running incident, Surfer dude falls over....and then gets himself caught in a rope trap.....Army girl gets caught in an adjacent one trying to free him. Seriously, the guy was a jerk, you've just blown your ticket out of here by stopping!

Sure enough, Kid Cannibal is passed the bow and arrow by Old Pop in an Oak, and manages to fire the fucking shot of his short tormented life by taking them both out with one arrow through their heads. I can't wait to see the 2012 US Olympic Archery Team. It'll make great viewing....

Vegan girl and Football guy find a factory...same one that the old guy was mumbling about before Rollins blew the fucker up. They go in....and find loads of cars, and the caravan. Cameraman is still alive....but it's a trap! Vegan girl gets taken, and whilst Football guy is watching Cameraman get decapitated (not shown due to budgetary and technical competence constraints) he gets taken....

Rollins is lurking at this point....and at this point you're thinking "Will this be total Obliteration? Will anyone survive this shit?"

But, Vegan girl and Football guy are....and Rednex are ready for dinner.....which is some kind of brown vomit stew. Vegan girl is barbed wired to a chair and Football guy is tied up.....the slop is served, and yes, here comes a cliche....

CLICHE ALERT 13: Vegan girl is force fed some human stew. VOM. Clearly done for some cliche filling quota/shock gross out tactic....

Here comes Rollins to save the day.....but....

CLICHE ALERT 14: He makes a fucking noise on the way in! Marine? He must have been kicked out for being the guy that stood on the twigs in the jungle, or the guy that knocks over bins in a back alley......Two stealth scenes and he's been about as innocuous as an avalanche.

The cannibals are alerted and abandon their meal to hunt Rollins.....he manages to take out the two kids with another dynamite arrow, but totally buys it after rescuing Vegan girl from her barbed wire chair hell and the Football guy.....at least he's not used as a battering ram this time. Still, quite an inauspicious way to be Wound Up......[/Black Flag song titles]

To end this piece of shit, Vegan girl is outside and Football guy is about to be fed into some nasty grinding machine.....Vegan girl comes back in, knocks over Momma Cannibal, BITES A FUCKING CHUNK out of Poppa's neck, and manages to feed him into the grinder....where mom soon follows....

And that's it.....I've seen it, you don't need to. The gore is more gross than gory - the scenes are too short to have any effect, and there are plenty of opportunities for comedy lost. Rollins steals the scenes he's in.....and he probably wishes he'd managed to get away with them and hide them forever.

It is basically fucking rubbish, but at no point did I want to turn it off.....which is damning praise if nothing else.

Btw, there is a Wrong Turn 3......the Davros baby at the end is shown to be still alive (you knew this because you never saw it die....)....I will not be watching that. I've already had a nasty turn watching this, and I can imagine it's more of the same.

4/10