Driven to Kill (2009)

Directed by: Some guy you've never heard of
Starring: Steven Seagal and the bad Russian guy from the last Indiana Jones film
Plot synopsis: Seriously?

There was once a time when a Steven Seagal film would be the event movie of a summer. Just not in this universe. You see, there is an alternate reality in a parallel universe where Steven Seagal is the most respected action star that has ever existed. In that reality, he is a multi award winning actor/director/screenwriter and is the most powerful man in the film industry.

This is the reality that our Steven Seagal actually lives in. It could only explain why he still makes films like this. When I see the failed hypnotist's stare that is so crosseyed that it bends spacetime and looks at you from behind in the first few seconds, I know what I'm in for......

....and when I hear Seagal's take on a Russian accent I have to pause the film for a couple of minutes to recover from a cough/laughing fit. Imagine if The Godfather was about the Russian mob and they'd got Seagal to play Marlon Brando's role with the same husky drawl - yes, that's pretty much the accent that Seagal has, erm,"nailed" here. In fact, the accent is so fucking bad I wouldn't be surprised if he's on several Russian mob hitlists right now for insulting their mothertongue.....

Seagal looks alarmingly like David Dickinson here, except his face is more contorted than a broken Rubik's cube. Anyway, he's about to go to his daughter's wedding which is being paid for by his ex-wife's new husband. He's not seen her in years....so off he trots to New York, via some bar to get a gun as he's clearly expecting trouble at the wedding.....he gets into a fight and seemingly kills some guy for having an attitude - yeah, this Seagal takes no fucking shit from anyone....even if he is slightly more cumbersome than a gorilla playing drums.

Seagal meets his ex-wife's lawyer husband at their house and gets acquainted with his future son-in-law....

....and here comes some story - the man that his daughter is marrying is the son of a Russian mob man (that Seagal has a history with) who wants him to follow in his footsteps so isn't exactly happy that he doesn't want to and is going to settle down with his lawyer wife....

Seagal plants a plot device by giving his daughter a family heirloom ring.....

You just know some shit is going to go down, and sure enough, as soon as Seagal leaves some dodgy men that you saw hanging around outside go into the house, kill Seagal's ex-wife and leaves his daughter for dead and steal the plot device. Cue Seagal returning to meet the purely perfunctory bunch of detectives assigned to the case who are already resigned to the fact that they are going to be piling bodies high for the next couple of days. They agree with Seagal to pretend that his daughter is dead - to, like, protect her....

So, next day Seagal goes back to the house to speak to the strangely cheery "grieving" husband. This is a poor way to introduce something that you are supposed to think is a Red Herring but clearly isn't because they've just stapled a big fucking neon sign onto his forehead telling you that this man is clearly involved somehow. The director is clearly not into poker.

Nevertheless, Seagal doesn't see this sign - don't forget, he can't look at people in the eye and he's not in the same reality anyway. In his mind, he's chasing a giant killer clown in a sailor's outfit. Or, at least that's what they told him in the script. So, he takes the husband's suggestion for a weapons contact and doesn't smell a setup.

Obviously, some shit is going to so down here - and after a phonecall it does. Back in the Golden Age of Seagal's career (ie. before he blew up a fucking huge polluting oil refinery in "On Deadly Ground") he would have exclusively used his fists and feet to kill everyone. The older, wider and slower he got, the more weapons he uses. Instead of disarming the bad guys now, he just shoots them or beats them to death with bits of broken furniture. Look, the reason you watch a Seagal film is to see some great martial arts action......poor show. On his way from this scene he checks the mobile phone....sure enough, it's the "grieving" husband....

Next up, it's time to meet the Big Bad Guy - ie. the father of his daughter's fiance. Russian mob boss. Clearly the bad guy. You know this. Seagal is by now looking for a man in a leotard. I mean, he's obviously going to do this back to front.....he knows who the real bad guys are already, so he's going to cause a trail of destruction and perhaps put his daughter's safety at risk.

So here we go, with the fiance in tow, it's time for Seagal to kick...I mean, shoot some ass. First up, some pawn shop owner where the ring was sold to. Obviously having no confidence in his ability to intimidate someone with no fighting skills, Seagal just smacks him a few times and puts his head through the glass counter.....gets the ring back and moves on...

Next up, a tower block.....fiance gets his first kill...Daddy would be proud. Seagal is a little pissed as he was interrogating him. For what info I have no idea - unless he really had no fucking clue who had set this up. Which is pretty insulting to be honest. I mean, we've hardly had it spelled out with behind the scenes stuff that Seagal's character hasn't seen - no, he knows the same stuff that we do, yet is still seemingly oblivious to who is to blame.....

....so, off to a strip club for an obligatory strip club scene which is basically a build up to a very slow knife fight that starts after Seagal was distinctly unimpressed by a private show. This kind of harks back to the knife fight with Tommy Lee Jones at the end of "Under Siege" - and by harks back to, I mean it makes you wish this was of the same quality. Instead of fighting a guy in a leather jacket, he's fighting a Russian hip-hop star wearing a tracksuit. Quality.

Seagal ends up in police custody after putting the owner of the club's head on a letter spike. They don't really seem to care and who cane blame them? This is only their second scene - they're not getting paid much for this shit and just seem to be all shruggy shoulders when the "grieving" husband gets Seagal out because there is no evidence and no witnesses are talking....convenient.

But, he basically hands Seagal over to the bad guys....who then make that critical bad guy error of walking too close to a guy that can handle himself and could disarm a knife fighting monkey with a frisbee from 100 yards. So, he lives to fight another day.....even if he does run like a constipated Tellytubby when fleeing the scene.

At this point I've figured something out - with some tricky up close sub-Bourne style editing they make it look like Seagal is actually working hard for his Cheerios, but he's not. He's barely moving. Again, this is just lazy - back in the day you'd have seen some quality Aikido action from Seagal....now it's like watching slapstick clown fighting at the circus.

And now the final part of the jigsaw - Big Bad Guy finds out from a dirty cop that Seagal's daughter is still alive and Seagal and fiance take the "grieving" husband hostage.....and they're all off to the hospital. Seagal gets his daughter moved to a safe haven....

...and we're in for a hospital shootout showdown which is going to be a million times shitter than the hospital shootout at the end of "Hard Boiled". And it isn't.....one man against five.....

...and so it goes, Seagal picks them off one by one during the next few minutes as the World's slowest hospital fire alarm evacuation takes place. The eventual showdown between Seagal and the Big Bad Guy takes place and it does not disappoint....well, it does actually.....though in the context of the film, it doesn't. It's an actual fight for starters, and it does have the standard big fight cliche of both men being on top at least twice.....before the bad guy gets bored, draws his gun, has his arm grabbed by Seagal, gets off a few aimless shots before Seagal turns the gun right around and shoots him through the eye. Beautiful. Poetry in motion......

And, everyone lives happily ever after. Seagal manages to avoid all charges, snakes off back to California to write his novels, though as he can't even pretend to type properly I'd be surprised if he could actually type own name. His daughter gets married to her fiance and the New York police breathe a huge sigh of relief and burn all their paperwork along with their copies of the script and move onto better things.

Meanwhile, I've got 14 more Seagal films to watch..........

Seagal Action Score: 3/10
Bad Guy Score: 4/10
Acting: None
Surreal Moments: One - opening scene of Seagal being hit on by a young pretty girl. Like this happens.

Overall: 4/10 - based entirely on the fact that it's twice as good as Under Siege 2 and didn't suffer the indignity of being laughed out of the cinema.