The Horsemen (2009)

Directed by: Not Michael Bay
Starring: Dennis Quaid (Not Doug Quaid)

Michael Bay Presents....

...oh, here we go. What a load of contrived bollocks that was! Basically a mismatch of all serial killer films since Se7en with a religious slant on it, and the added bonus of Dennis Quaid's aging ass through a frosted shower window. I did not need to see that tonight, it reminded me of regurgitated porridge.

So, basically, Quaid is a forensic odontologist (that's a tooth expert) with two sons who, as a family, are trying to get over the death of his wife. He gets called out to investigate some teeth that are found by the woodcutting brother of Captain Birdseye in some weird kind of ceremony. The first thing I notice about Quaid post porridge-ass scene is that he's looking really old and haggard. Which might have had something to do with reading this script.

Teeth, but no body....

Next up, a body - and we find this body in some fish-hook contraption in a kind of "Hellraiser" way, but not quite as gruesome. In fact, this corpse is so uncorpse like I thought that this might have been another sequel to "Mannequin". This thought is ripped from my mind when it turns out that the corpse was pregnant and the foetus has been removed from her.

Um, nice......

Cut downstairs to the grieving daughters - one of whom is an adopted Chinese girl (Zhang Ziyi) that Quaid tries to console before their red herring father walks in. This is purely for introductory purposes mind you. She's in no way a suspect......OR IS SHE? Actually, there are no clues....just that her tears look fake.

Another body - this seems to be teethman, again in some strange fish hook contraption. There's a woman in the closet and the man who's apartment this is seems to be missing and not the guy in the contraption. Are you following this? A point of mystery is soon thrown our way by a couple of 10 second glitches ON THE GODDAMN HOUR EXACTLY on the CCTV footage of the lift before and after the death.

My guess is that this is a lame attempt to make you think that it's going to be some dark forces at work....especially when Quaid makes the "Revelations/Four Horsemen" reference straight after this, with the help of his youngest son. His oldest is just a moody kid coming to terms with his mother's death that Quaid tries to bond with but totally fails to.

With the "Revelations/Four Horsemen" reference sealed, Quaid marches in to his office and tells his partner and superior. Who take it remarkably goddamn well. Pretty much a chin-stroking reaction to possible fire and brimstone....

And another body, but no fish hooks this time....cue, angry boxing Quaid and a missed parent's evening at older neglected son's school.

Remember that Chinese adopted daughter that wasn't a suspect? Well, she is now, but after an emotional chat with Quaid she only goes and pulls a bag out of her coat with her dead adopted mum's dead foetus in......FUCKING LOVELY. Thanks.....no, really, thanks. I didn't really need to see that, though it was only slightly less shocking than Quaid's ass.

So, she's basically revealed herself as one of "The Horsemen" by pulling out a bloodied Tiny Tears in a bag. She did it because she hates her adopted father....who we soon find out was abusing her....

And then for no reason at all, it switches to a character we've not seen before....a kid coming out to his brother who is not taking it very well. In fact, his brother is taking it like he's just been told he's going to have his penis removed in the morning. Not very well at all. After a botched mugging on the gay kid by a random bloke, we soon realise he's one of "The Horsemen" when he stabs him.....this isn't exactly turning out how I expected it to....

...nevertheless, the next victim is gay kid's bother....OH NO IT ISN'T! His brother is up in fish hooks, but has to watch as his little brother cuts into his chest with a surgical saw and removes his heart.....

So, two horsemen down and two to find. Chinese girl tells Quaid he's not going to find the last one....at this point I (correctly, as it turns out) guess that the final horseman is going to be Quaid's older son. This is a hunch purely based on the fact that these elegant crimes have been perpetrated by kids and not some weird fucked up S&M lovers or actual horsemen, like jockeys or something. Which again, might have been more plausible.

By the way, the third body - the one without the fish hooks was the third horseman and they basically killed him because he was shit. Or didn't fit into their plan, or was too old or something - I'd kind of lost the plot a little by then....no, sorry, I was bored shitless, they'd lost the plot. You see, this could have been a fine little addition to the serial killer genre, but the whole thing about a bunch of kids (all played by actors over the age of 24) in therapy for various reasons (abused, gay, neglected) was just so fucking ridiculous...throw in that once Quaid's son is up on fish-hooks (that he somehow attached to himself and raised up in the air himself too) with Quaid watching him die that it's all going online to a bunch of kids that are going to start an apocalypse....

OH GET THE FUCK OUT! It's just one fucking stupid Rube Goldberg machine. In fact, it's just a missed opportunity. A genuinely good idea fucked up by a ridiculous turn of events. It would have been more believable if it had actually turned into some big biblical apocalypse. It's also humourless. Quaid tries his hardest, and the rest of the cast aren't bad....but with this festering pile of shite that passes itself off as a story fucks up any chance that they had of redeeming it. Add to that, the complete lack of tension and sterile direction and you've got a pretty damn awful 90 minutes.

But, Michael Bay Presents....to him, this was probably an Awesome (TM) story.....

Overall: 3/10