Boa vs. Python (2004)

Directed by: David Flores (?)
Starring: A couple of Playboy models, and some cheap actors

Boa Fact 1: Boas have two lungs, unlike other snakes
Python Fact 1: Though from the Boa family, Pythons are egg-layers, unlike Boas.

After some epically dramatic, yet inherently cheap credits that confirm that you're in for something terrible, we're straight into the Boa vs Python action.....well, not quite, because these are masked wrestlers called Boa and Python....what a lucky coincidence. Some guy that looks like Kevin Sorbo from "Hercules" and his girlfriend are watching from ringside seats....they speak....

....and what the fuck? Is that Italian? Yes it bloody well is. It fucking appears that I've "acquired" a dubbed version. Oh great. I mean, if it was in Spanish then I could follow it to a certain extent....but Italian? The only Italian I know is what I've picked up from watching Mafia films and listening to Sabrina albums.....

I think about turning it off, but think better of it. I mean, it's hardly going to be a dialogue driven film is it? Unless....

Boa vs Python is a sweeping epic of sheer quality that was conspicuous by its absence from the 2004 awards ceremonies. The dialogue is poetic at times, with hugely romantic delivery from all actors. The love story between two giant snakes is a story that needed to be told - a love that brings them together that eventually tears them apart. The glorious snake effects were drawn on an Etch-a-Sketch....it is the giant snake equivalent of "Gone With the Wind", with a tale of forbidden love from "Romeo & Juliet", and the random comedy killings of "Shark in Venice".

The ending is reminiscent of the Neo vs Agent Smith scene on the underground in "The Matrix". By "reminiscent of", I mean "nothing like" other than it is set on an underground platform and one of them gets hit by a train.....Python, that is. Head off, Boa survives due to...

....oh wait, I've forgotten to review the middle bit of the film here. Okay, from what I could gather with a combination of my grasp of Mafioso Italian, making bits of the plot up and reading about the actual plot on wikipedia after the film, the guy that we see at the start watching the wrestling is a massive wanker. We know this because he looks like one.

We also know he's hired some shady looking people to transport something in a lorry....something that escapes into the water supply....something that the title of the film suggests is either a boa or a python. It's an 80ft python, so we'll call massive wanker and his associates Team Python. Turns out the massive wanker had a plan to have some large scale urban Big Game Hunting.....okay...so he now has to bring his plans forward.

Python Fact 2: The Royal Python can reach lengths of 30ft

The FBI show up at the scene of the escape, which some news guy is putting down to Al-Qaeda, but they find a snake scale. So, the FBI guy goes off to Florida to recruit a blonde girl as snake bait (total guess) - who is showing off her underwater breath-holding that she will no doubt use later in the film to save someone's life. This always happens....always.

Off they trot to a snake reserve where, lo and behold, there is an equally giant snake, this one being a boa....so, this is Team Boa. Oh, and there is some scientist guy there who is a snake expert.

Boa Fact 2: Boas have internal leg bones which end in an external horny claw.

Right, that's enough of the facts.....let's wrap this pile of turd up.

Team Python consists of:

• Massive Wanker
• Massive Wanker's Girlfriend
• Two white supremacist/survivalist brothers who arrive in a Volvo
• An old Texan
• Some other guy
  
• A mentally unbalanced ex-army man

Team Boa consists of:

• One FBI man
  
• Snake scientist
• Blonde breath holder
• The US Army, Giant Snake Containment Division

There is an extended science bit as Team Boa prepare their giant snake with a camera implant and a brain zapping fail-safe. Then they release their Boa into the water supply, which seems like a good idea....fight fire with fire and all that jazz. I mean, you've got an entire division of specially trained Giant Snake Containment soldiers at your disposal, so you release another giant snake....

Sounds reasonable. And it wouldn't be the same film if they didn't. It would be "Python".

But, when you fight fire with fire....or Giant Snake with Giant Snake, you know that nature is going to bite you on the arse. Well, that and shitty IT as the tracking soon goes off and they lose their boa.....and end up losing some of the crack soldiers to their now rampaging and pissed off boa. Clever!

Crack soldiers? Have I been hoodwinked here? Are these really crack soldiers from the Giant Snake Containment Division? A quick google search confirms this and that there is no such division, so they're just crap soldiers basically and they're going to be outlived by a scientist and a Playboy centrefold.....boy, their grieving families are going to be ashamed.

So, everyone ends up in the water supply flood tunnels (can you tell what's going to happen here??) - Team Boa, Team Python, Giant Boa and Giant Python.....oh, except Team Python are one man down as the old Texan has been eaten by Giant Python already. FAST-FORWARD> FBI man killed by ex-army nut job who is then killed by Giant Python who then munches one of the white supremacists, whose brother is then killed by the flood because no fucker bothered to tell the water supply people that there would be a bunch of people in them. One telephone call telling them "DON'T FLOOD THE FUCKING FLOOD TUNNELS!", that's all it would have taken.....mind you, the water supply plant was probably short staffed due to a Giant Python eating most of the staff....and it looked like it was miles to the nearest temp agency, so, understandable really. And temp agencies would usually be a bit wary about sending their temps to replace "missing staff" in an area where there is a giant snake loose. Unless they just send their really rubbish ones....who wouldn't turn up anyway....

....sure enough, breath holding woman saves the scientists life with an underwater kiss whilst Python lurks overhead. In another location, Massive Wanker's girlfriend gets crushed by boa after dropping an egg, some other guy gets killed.....and the army come in and arrest Massive Wanker.....

....down to a makeshift army camp, where blonde girl and scientists are tracking their boa....despite the presence of lots of soldiers and some FBI agents, the Massive Wanker manages to skulk away and make off in an armoured vehicle....what? I'm literally at a loss for words now....I'm actually glad it's not in English.....

.....turns out the python is a party animal, but isn't a fan of a club DJ.....Massive Wanker turns up with a flamethrower (seriously.....) and starts spreading flames randomly....even more so when the soldiers turn up....he's gone fucking nuts and I don't have a crying fuck of a clue as to what is going on....we've not even had the promise of the title outside of a wrestling ring yet - they briefly met, fell in love and had sex. Anyway, scientist kills Massive Wanker and both snakes end up on the platform as mentioned above....

So yeah, boa survives due to the brain zapping fail safe which makes it pretty much fly off in another direction when activated leaving python to get killed by the train. And that is fucking that. No doubt some of the boa/python eggs we saw earlier will survive because the army were too dumb to fry them into a massive snake omelette which would have eradicated any chance of a sequel.....though maybe they knew that the ratings would do that anyway....

Literally and actually one of the worst films I have ever seen.

Snake Action: 1/10
Sex/Nudity: Yes, plus snake on human oral sex.
Bad Language: I'd tell you if I knew Italian swear words.
Violence: Snake related terror
Overall: 1/10 - For the opening credits.