Pocket Ninjas (1997)

This is the worst film ever made. That's not me speaking, that's the users of IMDB speaking. For a reason that will become apparent over the next 80 minutes....no wait, 60 minutes because I fastforwarded about 20 minutes of fight/dance scenes that were recycled from previous fight/dance scenes. Yes, this is the worst film ever made.

It's also a kids film, and I strongly advise the authorities to track down any parent that has bought or rented this for their kids or has been present whilst their children watched it and lock them up for a very long time. This is a form of torture that *names of Government agencies and/or terrorist groups deleted* have yet to introduce. This is a form of torture so advanced that it is beyond torture and is probably somewhere in hell. Quite possibly on every single level and something so nasty that even Satan himself can't sit through it.

There's not much to say about this really. I mean, it looks like an 80s home video that was filed away for years and cobbled together 10 years later as some form of posthumous tribute for some poor kid that died. And if that is actually the case, then the "filmmakers" know no boundaries and probably participate in social necrophilia with their friends and family.

The presence of a "real" actor dispels this passing thought rather quickly. Well, when I say "real" actor, it's actually the guy that played "Maniac Cop" - he gets top billing in this piece of shit even though he's only in it in some weirdly surreal flashback type scenes......

....erm, like this one.

Actually, that video and the "VR" ending are the only things that you could consider slightly redeeming. And by redeeming, I mean only for those that would consider a fascist dictator saying "I didn't mean it" as an apology for genocide.

There is a plot to speak of, but I'm not going to speak about it. What's the fucking point? You're not going to watch it, are you? No one is......unless you're totally fucking insane. I only watched it for a joint experiment in mind control and torture techniques. I honestly wish that this film was dubbed in a foreign language....instead, it's quietly dubbed in English recorded in a room with a propensity to echo. The sound FX are about 10 times louder than the dialogue and some "actors" are barely audible....especially Maniac Cop, who only has about 20 words to say anyway which are all fluffed more than a porn star in a gang bang.

I feel sorry for the "actors" that have this as their only film credit, I genuinely do. In fact, I think the girl ninja changed her screen name to a one word name to protect herself and any possible acting career she might actually have despite this....

This piece of fucking shit also has the most ridiculous fight scenes I have ever witnessed.....I mean, who the fuck would fight whilst wearing rollerblades? Not even a pro I'd warrant, let alone some kids in clown masks.And then there's the shaky cam.....I think the makers of this would like to lay claim that they invented it. Personally, I just think it's because that the only equipment they had other than the camera was a cheap 5 foot tripod and for scenes that would usually require a dolly mechanism of some variety they just held the camera in their hands and walked. Everything else is from a fixed position, which I guess is fine if you're having a tense dialogue driven moment, but when you're trying to film "action" (in the loosest sense of the word) it just doesn't fucking cut.

In fact, cut is one thing the director probably never even fucking said in his life.....and this is an 80 minute film that should be 40 minutes long.....seriously. Even in the 60 minutes I actually fucking bothered to fucking watch there was more padding than a warehouse of pantyliners.

TURNS OUT IT WAS ALL A FUCKING COMIC BOOK THAT THE KIDS WERE READING IN A FUCKING TREEHOUSE! Oh fucking hell.....

GET THE FUCK OFF MY TELLY!

Overall: 0/10