Boa vs. Python (2004)

Directed by: David Flores (?)
Starring: A couple of Playboy models, and some cheap actors

Boa Fact 1: Boas have two lungs, unlike other snakes
Python Fact 1: Though from the Boa family, Pythons are egg-layers, unlike Boas.

After some epically dramatic, yet inherently cheap credits that confirm that you're in for something terrible, we're straight into the Boa vs Python action.....well, not quite, because these are masked wrestlers called Boa and Python....what a lucky coincidence. Some guy that looks like Kevin Sorbo from "Hercules" and his girlfriend are watching from ringside seats....they speak....

....and what the fuck? Is that Italian? Yes it bloody well is. It fucking appears that I've "acquired" a dubbed version. Oh great. I mean, if it was in Spanish then I could follow it to a certain extent....but Italian? The only Italian I know is what I've picked up from watching Mafia films and listening to Sabrina albums.....

I think about turning it off, but think better of it. I mean, it's hardly going to be a dialogue driven film is it? Unless....

Boa vs Python is a sweeping epic of sheer quality that was conspicuous by its absence from the 2004 awards ceremonies. The dialogue is poetic at times, with hugely romantic delivery from all actors. The love story between two giant snakes is a story that needed to be told - a love that brings them together that eventually tears them apart. The glorious snake effects were drawn on an Etch-a-Sketch....it is the giant snake equivalent of "Gone With the Wind", with a tale of forbidden love from "Romeo & Juliet", and the random comedy killings of "Shark in Venice".

The ending is reminiscent of the Neo vs Agent Smith scene on the underground in "The Matrix". By "reminiscent of", I mean "nothing like" other than it is set on an underground platform and one of them gets hit by a train.....Python, that is. Head off, Boa survives due to...

....oh wait, I've forgotten to review the middle bit of the film here. Okay, from what I could gather with a combination of my grasp of Mafioso Italian, making bits of the plot up and reading about the actual plot on wikipedia after the film, the guy that we see at the start watching the wrestling is a massive wanker. We know this because he looks like one.

We also know he's hired some shady looking people to transport something in a lorry....something that escapes into the water supply....something that the title of the film suggests is either a boa or a python. It's an 80ft python, so we'll call massive wanker and his associates Team Python. Turns out the massive wanker had a plan to have some large scale urban Big Game Hunting.....okay...so he now has to bring his plans forward.

Python Fact 2: The Royal Python can reach lengths of 30ft

The FBI show up at the scene of the escape, which some news guy is putting down to Al-Qaeda, but they find a snake scale. So, the FBI guy goes off to Florida to recruit a blonde girl as snake bait (total guess) - who is showing off her underwater breath-holding that she will no doubt use later in the film to save someone's life. This always happens....always.

Off they trot to a snake reserve where, lo and behold, there is an equally giant snake, this one being a boa....so, this is Team Boa. Oh, and there is some scientist guy there who is a snake expert.

Boa Fact 2: Boas have internal leg bones which end in an external horny claw.

Right, that's enough of the facts.....let's wrap this pile of turd up.

Team Python consists of:

• Massive Wanker
• Massive Wanker's Girlfriend
• Two white supremacist/survivalist brothers who arrive in a Volvo
• An old Texan
• Some other guy
  
• A mentally unbalanced ex-army man

Team Boa consists of:

• One FBI man
  
• Snake scientist
• Blonde breath holder
• The US Army, Giant Snake Containment Division

There is an extended science bit as Team Boa prepare their giant snake with a camera implant and a brain zapping fail-safe. Then they release their Boa into the water supply, which seems like a good idea....fight fire with fire and all that jazz. I mean, you've got an entire division of specially trained Giant Snake Containment soldiers at your disposal, so you release another giant snake....

Sounds reasonable. And it wouldn't be the same film if they didn't. It would be "Python".

But, when you fight fire with fire....or Giant Snake with Giant Snake, you know that nature is going to bite you on the arse. Well, that and shitty IT as the tracking soon goes off and they lose their boa.....and end up losing some of the crack soldiers to their now rampaging and pissed off boa. Clever!

Crack soldiers? Have I been hoodwinked here? Are these really crack soldiers from the Giant Snake Containment Division? A quick google search confirms this and that there is no such division, so they're just crap soldiers basically and they're going to be outlived by a scientist and a Playboy centrefold.....boy, their grieving families are going to be ashamed.

So, everyone ends up in the water supply flood tunnels (can you tell what's going to happen here??) - Team Boa, Team Python, Giant Boa and Giant Python.....oh, except Team Python are one man down as the old Texan has been eaten by Giant Python already. FAST-FORWARD> FBI man killed by ex-army nut job who is then killed by Giant Python who then munches one of the white supremacists, whose brother is then killed by the flood because no fucker bothered to tell the water supply people that there would be a bunch of people in them. One telephone call telling them "DON'T FLOOD THE FUCKING FLOOD TUNNELS!", that's all it would have taken.....mind you, the water supply plant was probably short staffed due to a Giant Python eating most of the staff....and it looked like it was miles to the nearest temp agency, so, understandable really. And temp agencies would usually be a bit wary about sending their temps to replace "missing staff" in an area where there is a giant snake loose. Unless they just send their really rubbish ones....who wouldn't turn up anyway....

....sure enough, breath holding woman saves the scientists life with an underwater kiss whilst Python lurks overhead. In another location, Massive Wanker's girlfriend gets crushed by boa after dropping an egg, some other guy gets killed.....and the army come in and arrest Massive Wanker.....

....down to a makeshift army camp, where blonde girl and scientists are tracking their boa....despite the presence of lots of soldiers and some FBI agents, the Massive Wanker manages to skulk away and make off in an armoured vehicle....what? I'm literally at a loss for words now....I'm actually glad it's not in English.....

.....turns out the python is a party animal, but isn't a fan of a club DJ.....Massive Wanker turns up with a flamethrower (seriously.....) and starts spreading flames randomly....even more so when the soldiers turn up....he's gone fucking nuts and I don't have a crying fuck of a clue as to what is going on....we've not even had the promise of the title outside of a wrestling ring yet - they briefly met, fell in love and had sex. Anyway, scientist kills Massive Wanker and both snakes end up on the platform as mentioned above....

So yeah, boa survives due to the brain zapping fail safe which makes it pretty much fly off in another direction when activated leaving python to get killed by the train. And that is fucking that. No doubt some of the boa/python eggs we saw earlier will survive because the army were too dumb to fry them into a massive snake omelette which would have eradicated any chance of a sequel.....though maybe they knew that the ratings would do that anyway....

Literally and actually one of the worst films I have ever seen.

Snake Action: 1/10
Sex/Nudity: Yes, plus snake on human oral sex.
Bad Language: I'd tell you if I knew Italian swear words.
Violence: Snake related terror
Overall: 1/10 - For the opening credits.

Driven to Kill (2009)

Directed by: Some guy you've never heard of
Starring: Steven Seagal and the bad Russian guy from the last Indiana Jones film
Plot synopsis: Seriously?

There was once a time when a Steven Seagal film would be the event movie of a summer. Just not in this universe. You see, there is an alternate reality in a parallel universe where Steven Seagal is the most respected action star that has ever existed. In that reality, he is a multi award winning actor/director/screenwriter and is the most powerful man in the film industry.

This is the reality that our Steven Seagal actually lives in. It could only explain why he still makes films like this. When I see the failed hypnotist's stare that is so crosseyed that it bends spacetime and looks at you from behind in the first few seconds, I know what I'm in for......

....and when I hear Seagal's take on a Russian accent I have to pause the film for a couple of minutes to recover from a cough/laughing fit. Imagine if The Godfather was about the Russian mob and they'd got Seagal to play Marlon Brando's role with the same husky drawl - yes, that's pretty much the accent that Seagal has, erm,"nailed" here. In fact, the accent is so fucking bad I wouldn't be surprised if he's on several Russian mob hitlists right now for insulting their mothertongue.....

Seagal looks alarmingly like David Dickinson here, except his face is more contorted than a broken Rubik's cube. Anyway, he's about to go to his daughter's wedding which is being paid for by his ex-wife's new husband. He's not seen her in years....so off he trots to New York, via some bar to get a gun as he's clearly expecting trouble at the wedding.....he gets into a fight and seemingly kills some guy for having an attitude - yeah, this Seagal takes no fucking shit from anyone....even if he is slightly more cumbersome than a gorilla playing drums.

Seagal meets his ex-wife's lawyer husband at their house and gets acquainted with his future son-in-law....

....and here comes some story - the man that his daughter is marrying is the son of a Russian mob man (that Seagal has a history with) who wants him to follow in his footsteps so isn't exactly happy that he doesn't want to and is going to settle down with his lawyer wife....

Seagal plants a plot device by giving his daughter a family heirloom ring.....

You just know some shit is going to go down, and sure enough, as soon as Seagal leaves some dodgy men that you saw hanging around outside go into the house, kill Seagal's ex-wife and leaves his daughter for dead and steal the plot device. Cue Seagal returning to meet the purely perfunctory bunch of detectives assigned to the case who are already resigned to the fact that they are going to be piling bodies high for the next couple of days. They agree with Seagal to pretend that his daughter is dead - to, like, protect her....

So, next day Seagal goes back to the house to speak to the strangely cheery "grieving" husband. This is a poor way to introduce something that you are supposed to think is a Red Herring but clearly isn't because they've just stapled a big fucking neon sign onto his forehead telling you that this man is clearly involved somehow. The director is clearly not into poker.

Nevertheless, Seagal doesn't see this sign - don't forget, he can't look at people in the eye and he's not in the same reality anyway. In his mind, he's chasing a giant killer clown in a sailor's outfit. Or, at least that's what they told him in the script. So, he takes the husband's suggestion for a weapons contact and doesn't smell a setup.

Obviously, some shit is going to so down here - and after a phonecall it does. Back in the Golden Age of Seagal's career (ie. before he blew up a fucking huge polluting oil refinery in "On Deadly Ground") he would have exclusively used his fists and feet to kill everyone. The older, wider and slower he got, the more weapons he uses. Instead of disarming the bad guys now, he just shoots them or beats them to death with bits of broken furniture. Look, the reason you watch a Seagal film is to see some great martial arts action......poor show. On his way from this scene he checks the mobile phone....sure enough, it's the "grieving" husband....

Next up, it's time to meet the Big Bad Guy - ie. the father of his daughter's fiance. Russian mob boss. Clearly the bad guy. You know this. Seagal is by now looking for a man in a leotard. I mean, he's obviously going to do this back to front.....he knows who the real bad guys are already, so he's going to cause a trail of destruction and perhaps put his daughter's safety at risk.

So here we go, with the fiance in tow, it's time for Seagal to kick...I mean, shoot some ass. First up, some pawn shop owner where the ring was sold to. Obviously having no confidence in his ability to intimidate someone with no fighting skills, Seagal just smacks him a few times and puts his head through the glass counter.....gets the ring back and moves on...

Next up, a tower block.....fiance gets his first kill...Daddy would be proud. Seagal is a little pissed as he was interrogating him. For what info I have no idea - unless he really had no fucking clue who had set this up. Which is pretty insulting to be honest. I mean, we've hardly had it spelled out with behind the scenes stuff that Seagal's character hasn't seen - no, he knows the same stuff that we do, yet is still seemingly oblivious to who is to blame.....

....so, off to a strip club for an obligatory strip club scene which is basically a build up to a very slow knife fight that starts after Seagal was distinctly unimpressed by a private show. This kind of harks back to the knife fight with Tommy Lee Jones at the end of "Under Siege" - and by harks back to, I mean it makes you wish this was of the same quality. Instead of fighting a guy in a leather jacket, he's fighting a Russian hip-hop star wearing a tracksuit. Quality.

Seagal ends up in police custody after putting the owner of the club's head on a letter spike. They don't really seem to care and who cane blame them? This is only their second scene - they're not getting paid much for this shit and just seem to be all shruggy shoulders when the "grieving" husband gets Seagal out because there is no evidence and no witnesses are talking....convenient.

But, he basically hands Seagal over to the bad guys....who then make that critical bad guy error of walking too close to a guy that can handle himself and could disarm a knife fighting monkey with a frisbee from 100 yards. So, he lives to fight another day.....even if he does run like a constipated Tellytubby when fleeing the scene.

At this point I've figured something out - with some tricky up close sub-Bourne style editing they make it look like Seagal is actually working hard for his Cheerios, but he's not. He's barely moving. Again, this is just lazy - back in the day you'd have seen some quality Aikido action from Seagal....now it's like watching slapstick clown fighting at the circus.

And now the final part of the jigsaw - Big Bad Guy finds out from a dirty cop that Seagal's daughter is still alive and Seagal and fiance take the "grieving" husband hostage.....and they're all off to the hospital. Seagal gets his daughter moved to a safe haven....

...and we're in for a hospital shootout showdown which is going to be a million times shitter than the hospital shootout at the end of "Hard Boiled". And it isn't.....one man against five.....

...and so it goes, Seagal picks them off one by one during the next few minutes as the World's slowest hospital fire alarm evacuation takes place. The eventual showdown between Seagal and the Big Bad Guy takes place and it does not disappoint....well, it does actually.....though in the context of the film, it doesn't. It's an actual fight for starters, and it does have the standard big fight cliche of both men being on top at least twice.....before the bad guy gets bored, draws his gun, has his arm grabbed by Seagal, gets off a few aimless shots before Seagal turns the gun right around and shoots him through the eye. Beautiful. Poetry in motion......

And, everyone lives happily ever after. Seagal manages to avoid all charges, snakes off back to California to write his novels, though as he can't even pretend to type properly I'd be surprised if he could actually type own name. His daughter gets married to her fiance and the New York police breathe a huge sigh of relief and burn all their paperwork along with their copies of the script and move onto better things.

Meanwhile, I've got 14 more Seagal films to watch..........

Seagal Action Score: 3/10
Bad Guy Score: 4/10
Acting: None
Surreal Moments: One - opening scene of Seagal being hit on by a young pretty girl. Like this happens.

Overall: 4/10 - based entirely on the fact that it's twice as good as Under Siege 2 and didn't suffer the indignity of being laughed out of the cinema.

The Horsemen (2009)

Directed by: Not Michael Bay
Starring: Dennis Quaid (Not Doug Quaid)

Michael Bay Presents....

...oh, here we go. What a load of contrived bollocks that was! Basically a mismatch of all serial killer films since Se7en with a religious slant on it, and the added bonus of Dennis Quaid's aging ass through a frosted shower window. I did not need to see that tonight, it reminded me of regurgitated porridge.

So, basically, Quaid is a forensic odontologist (that's a tooth expert) with two sons who, as a family, are trying to get over the death of his wife. He gets called out to investigate some teeth that are found by the woodcutting brother of Captain Birdseye in some weird kind of ceremony. The first thing I notice about Quaid post porridge-ass scene is that he's looking really old and haggard. Which might have had something to do with reading this script.

Teeth, but no body....

Next up, a body - and we find this body in some fish-hook contraption in a kind of "Hellraiser" way, but not quite as gruesome. In fact, this corpse is so uncorpse like I thought that this might have been another sequel to "Mannequin". This thought is ripped from my mind when it turns out that the corpse was pregnant and the foetus has been removed from her.

Um, nice......

Cut downstairs to the grieving daughters - one of whom is an adopted Chinese girl (Zhang Ziyi) that Quaid tries to console before their red herring father walks in. This is purely for introductory purposes mind you. She's in no way a suspect......OR IS SHE? Actually, there are no clues....just that her tears look fake.

Another body - this seems to be teethman, again in some strange fish hook contraption. There's a woman in the closet and the man who's apartment this is seems to be missing and not the guy in the contraption. Are you following this? A point of mystery is soon thrown our way by a couple of 10 second glitches ON THE GODDAMN HOUR EXACTLY on the CCTV footage of the lift before and after the death.

My guess is that this is a lame attempt to make you think that it's going to be some dark forces at work....especially when Quaid makes the "Revelations/Four Horsemen" reference straight after this, with the help of his youngest son. His oldest is just a moody kid coming to terms with his mother's death that Quaid tries to bond with but totally fails to.

With the "Revelations/Four Horsemen" reference sealed, Quaid marches in to his office and tells his partner and superior. Who take it remarkably goddamn well. Pretty much a chin-stroking reaction to possible fire and brimstone....

And another body, but no fish hooks this time....cue, angry boxing Quaid and a missed parent's evening at older neglected son's school.

Remember that Chinese adopted daughter that wasn't a suspect? Well, she is now, but after an emotional chat with Quaid she only goes and pulls a bag out of her coat with her dead adopted mum's dead foetus in......FUCKING LOVELY. Thanks.....no, really, thanks. I didn't really need to see that, though it was only slightly less shocking than Quaid's ass.

So, she's basically revealed herself as one of "The Horsemen" by pulling out a bloodied Tiny Tears in a bag. She did it because she hates her adopted father....who we soon find out was abusing her....

And then for no reason at all, it switches to a character we've not seen before....a kid coming out to his brother who is not taking it very well. In fact, his brother is taking it like he's just been told he's going to have his penis removed in the morning. Not very well at all. After a botched mugging on the gay kid by a random bloke, we soon realise he's one of "The Horsemen" when he stabs him.....this isn't exactly turning out how I expected it to....

...nevertheless, the next victim is gay kid's bother....OH NO IT ISN'T! His brother is up in fish hooks, but has to watch as his little brother cuts into his chest with a surgical saw and removes his heart.....

So, two horsemen down and two to find. Chinese girl tells Quaid he's not going to find the last one....at this point I (correctly, as it turns out) guess that the final horseman is going to be Quaid's older son. This is a hunch purely based on the fact that these elegant crimes have been perpetrated by kids and not some weird fucked up S&M lovers or actual horsemen, like jockeys or something. Which again, might have been more plausible.

By the way, the third body - the one without the fish hooks was the third horseman and they basically killed him because he was shit. Or didn't fit into their plan, or was too old or something - I'd kind of lost the plot a little by then....no, sorry, I was bored shitless, they'd lost the plot. You see, this could have been a fine little addition to the serial killer genre, but the whole thing about a bunch of kids (all played by actors over the age of 24) in therapy for various reasons (abused, gay, neglected) was just so fucking ridiculous...throw in that once Quaid's son is up on fish-hooks (that he somehow attached to himself and raised up in the air himself too) with Quaid watching him die that it's all going online to a bunch of kids that are going to start an apocalypse....

OH GET THE FUCK OUT! It's just one fucking stupid Rube Goldberg machine. In fact, it's just a missed opportunity. A genuinely good idea fucked up by a ridiculous turn of events. It would have been more believable if it had actually turned into some big biblical apocalypse. It's also humourless. Quaid tries his hardest, and the rest of the cast aren't bad....but with this festering pile of shite that passes itself off as a story fucks up any chance that they had of redeeming it. Add to that, the complete lack of tension and sterile direction and you've got a pretty damn awful 90 minutes.

But, Michael Bay Presents....to him, this was probably an Awesome (TM) story.....

Overall: 3/10

Postal (2007)

Director: Uwe Boll
Starring: Postal Dude, Osama Bin Laden, George W. Bush, Vern Troyer

Right....where the hell do you start with a review for a film like this? The trailer might be a good point of reference for the uninitiated. Actually, no, that's a fucking terrible point of reference as that 90 seconds makes more sense than the 100 goddamn minutes of the film.

So, where to start? The end? Yes, the end....Osama Bin Laden & George W. Bush skipping through a field as nuclear bombs come down all around them.

"Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah"

This is a bit of a different kind of review than normal, largely because I've had my eyes raped by a bunch of fucked up scenes that think they're pushing boundaries when all they're doing is making you think that Uwe Boll either tortured animals or was kept locked in a cellar and fed on snakes when he was a child.

It's fucked up, but it's supposed to be. From the opening scene where 9/11 terrorists are having doubts about their mission due to the confusion over the number of virgins they're going to get in paradise to the aforementioned fire from the sky ending, you're "treated" to a whole bunch of fucked up scenes that make very little sense but are still funnier than any amount of these so-called parodies such as "Meet the Spartans" and "Disaster Movie" etc.

I think that deep down Boll knows that he's a shit filmmaker, and he doesn't care. People still go to see his films - usually fans of the computer games he tends to make into films. He has somehow managed to coax some very good actors into his various films (whether by bribing them with Nazi gold or whether he has a dossier of dirt on them, who knows?).

Postal is largely a response to his critics - most likely the ones that didn't fight him in the boxing ring. He isn't taking anything seriously and uses it as a platform to piss people off more than he has ever done before. The "Postal" game series has been controversial enough without the film, but this is a "light the blue touch paper and fucking leg it".

During a gun battle towards the end of the film, he kills more kids by gunshot than the history of Hollywood. Seriously. Then there's the baby in the pram that you saw in the trailer.....
There's also Verne Troyer being raped by a 1000 monkeys and some obligatory German toilet "humour". And it doesn't let up in the offensiveness, the stereotypes and the fucked up scenes. It's relentless right through to the end.

And you know what, I kind of liked it. It appealed to my fucked up sense of humour- you know, like laughing at a man getting hit in the groin by a football. Not by any stretch of the imagination is it a good film, though it's probably Uwe Boll's best film....which is faint praise. It's also a goddamn fuck load better than "Gamer".

Overall: 5/10

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007)

Directed by: Joe Lynch (no relation)
Starring: Henry Rollins, and some young teen meat
Premise: You're shitting me, right? Isn't the title enough? I'm surprised they actually bothered to put anything on the back of the DVD box.....they could have sold that space to Tom-Tom, Google Maps and Colgate.

I've not seen the first film. In fact, I'm only watching this because Henry Rollins is in it and I'm having a one man TV Party with a quarter of a bottle of Red Square vodka and some flat sugar free Sprite. No, I'm not a Liar. And I'll Rise Above any insults.

This is a sequel. One of those sequels that goes straight to DVD. And it shows. That said, it has production values that the makers of Shark in Venice would have been jealous of, and a budget slightly more than an Anne Summers party.

Seriously though, it's one big advert for getting a Sat-Nav. You'd never take a wrong turn with a Sat-Nav....well, unless the makers didn't consider that something bigger than a small car (like a big fucking coach or an articulated lorry) would go down a road made for a car no bigger than a tin of beans. Or that they'd been eaten by a bunch of West Virginian chemically altered redneck cannibal relations of John Denver.

By now, I'm sure the film has started.....somehow it thinks it's setting the scene as if it wants to be Southern Comfort, but you already know that Powers Boothe ain't gonna turn up and that the music is the seriously fucking disinterested bastard child of Ry Cooder's music.

Cue, Eddie Grant.....and a blonde in a sports car not really paying any attention. After displaying the dangers of not concentrating on the road and being told not to take a "Wrong turn" (well done for getting the title of the film in the script to make sure all of those that got the wrong film in the box know that they've got the wrong film....Wrong Film 2: I Wanted a Porno!!!)....which she does....she's blonde (like me.....though not like me, as this is peroxide). Yeah, she's driving to some reality TV show nearby, and she takes a wrong turn....knocks someone over....

And gets out of the car. Now, no one was about - she's a got a great opportunity to do a runner....instead, she manages to get her chin bitten off by the guy who is not dead and sliced in half head to toe by a second cannibalwith an axe....well, actually, not really toe....but, well, yeah....you can guess.....cue entrails and her corpse being dragged off. Good start.

Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie Rollins....and here he is! Yes...Grey Hair....looking distinguished. He's playing a retired Marine Colonel who is running some Apocalypse Survival Reality TV show that the woman sports car totally failed at - I mean, that's like starting a football match with 10 men because someone is scooping up their prolapsed innards in the dressing room, "Sorry guys, I'll be with you once I shove these back in".

To be honest, Rollins looks thoroughly pissed off. Like his fee was a Six Pack and he's suffering "Wrong Call 2: Why didn't I fire my agent after The Chase?" So, who have we got as the contestants?

1. Dead girl - she doesn't matter.
2. Army girl - a cliche or two waiting to happen
3. Surfer dude - he's a wanker
4. Football guy - the nice guy
5. Vegan girl - can you guess what she's going to end up doing?
6. "Hot" girl - 2/1 she'll get naked then die
7. Producer girl - takes the place of dead girl.....no call to the police? Oh right, phones don't work. Convenient...
8. Cameraman - Going out with producer girl
9. Editor guy - Next to die(??)

They shuffle together some idea for the reality TV show....in fact, the reality TV show sounds like it could be quite good. Some kind of Apocalypse Survival thing where they need to work together....yadda yadda. Let's get on with the cliches and the killin'.

Before we get going, Rollins gives us his best R Lee Ermey impression - "I lived around here and I never fucked a pig" ....woah.....Life of Pain!!!

Meanwhile, I'm learning to throw a stress ball at the TV left handed...LEFT-HANDED! That's not as easy as it sounds as it's two metres away and I'm not really done this before....but, I'm hitting the screen, if not the characters....

CLICHE ALERT 1: Editor guy goes for a piss in the woods.....I'm sure he must have had one in the caravan with all his equipment....nevertheless, whilst he's having a parabolic piss, you see him get his throat cut and get scalped over one of his cameras.....game on...

It's not long before Rollins gets captured - this guy was in the fucking army and he gets outwitted by two guys from Rednex!!! Fucking hell!! This is a really piss poor advert for the US Marines - join up, get promoted, quit and get caught by two guys that have to spit in each other's mouths to share the brain cell. Probably saying "DON'T LEAVE THE MARINES! YOU'LL BECOME SHIT AT STEALTH!"

CLICHE ALERT 2: Army girl is a lesbian. Didn't see that one coming, did you?
CLICHE ALERT 3: Surfer guy thinks this is hot....
CLICHE ALERT 4: Football guy can't play anymore due to injury....

At this point, you wonder how all the cameras, motion sensors etc. were set up without anyone getting eaten by.....shall we ignore this little plot hole?

CLICHE ALERT 5: "Hot" girl gets naked.....and after a convoluted scene where Football guy buggers off because it's a "family show", she gives Cameraman a blow job......quickly followed by....
CLICHE ALERT 6: Producer girl seeing all this.....and getting upset...and saying to vegan girl that she'll "deal with it her way".......

SAT NAV ALERT: Drive me off this picture!

So, Army Girl and Surfer dude find a BBQ - you're meant to think that this is Rollins.....but this thought is soon doused when it cuts to Rollins, The Swinging Man - tied feet first upside down. He gets stubbed a couple of times by one of Rednex.

Back to Producer and Vegan girl - producer girl wants to get out of here, so when they find a shack with NO FUCKING TELEPHONE WIRES GOING INTO IT WHAT-SO-FUCKING-EVER, they think it's a good idea to enter to USE THE FUCKING PHONE! Okay, when I'm out in the woods, I assume that every sinister looking property has a phone. And I just walk in too....

CLICHE ALERT 7: Yes, they get trapped inside....but they get out after witnessing a gross birth scene where one of Rednex gives birth to a Baby Davros.

And they run....only for Producer girl to get one seriously fucking amazingly well placed flying axe from 30 yards or so through trees land in her head.....but, she was running slower than Vegan girl, so fuck her, she got her dues. Vegan girl quickly hides....

CLICHE ALERT 8: Vegan girl is hiding and the member of rednex looking for her stops one step short of finding her......

Cut back to Cameraman who has clearly done more than get a BJ from "Hot" girl.....after he leaves the scene you know that her days are numbered in seconds.....a masturbating cannibal runs outof the trees and slashes her across the back, only after getting told off by his girlfriend/sister.......

Back to Rollins, who is opposite a guy being gutted until there is Nothing Left Inside....he manages to outwit his cannibal captor and gets free, finally starting the comeback by knocking off one of Rednex.....NOW IT'S FUCKING PERSONAL!

Over to cameraman guy, who is still oblivious to anything going on - he's back at the caravan, can't find his mates and gets trapped by a couple of the cannibals.....he's a cheating piece of shit, so you coudn't care less about him. He's not killed there and then, so something must be in store for him - it usually is for bad boys.....

*momentary distraction whilst writing due to an erectile dysfunction advert - seriously, the only guys watching Poker/Golf at 1.30am don't have problems with this...Andrex would be have been more appropriate*

So, Football guy, Army Girl and Surfer Dude are totally innocent to everything....Vegan girl turns up....Surfer dude doesn't believe her....until he realises that the "Pork" he's been eating is the blonde girl from the start....they run....I'm eating paper again....

Back to Rollins - he's gone all "Commando" now. The bad guys are far less sinister than Bennett though - they're wearing ill-fitting clothes rather than dubious chainmail. He stumbles upon an old man who can actually speak rather than converse in a series of "Hyucks".....

CLICHE ALERT 9: After spinning a yarn, it turns out that the old guy is the father of the oldest cannibals and a bit of a Family Man.

He attacks, but Rollins manages to attach some conveinetly placed dynamite to him, and light it, all in one nifty move...BOOM! SPLAT! No Deposit, No Return!

The Surviving Four stumble upon two of the cannibals having sex, and total fuck up their survival chances by totally botching the attack on them.....Vegan girl runs away and falls in a pit trap and....

CLICHE ALERT 10: The surviving three decide to fucking split up! Oh come on! STOP DOING THIS IN FILMS! Everyone knows that if they're ever in a murderous potential death at the hands of a bunch of maniacs (or maniac singular) situation that you have a better chance of surving in a group than you do on your own!

Luckily for Vegan girl, Football guy finds her before she's captured by the cannibals in their rickety old truck.....but just in time....they run...

CLICHE ALERT 11: They run....and are confronted with a cliff above water. Cliffs in films are always above water....handy, eh? So, they jump....

CLICHE ALERT 12: In a separate running incident, Surfer dude falls over....and then gets himself caught in a rope trap.....Army girl gets caught in an adjacent one trying to free him. Seriously, the guy was a jerk, you've just blown your ticket out of here by stopping!

Sure enough, Kid Cannibal is passed the bow and arrow by Old Pop in an Oak, and manages to fire the fucking shot of his short tormented life by taking them both out with one arrow through their heads. I can't wait to see the 2012 US Olympic Archery Team. It'll make great viewing....

Vegan girl and Football guy find a factory...same one that the old guy was mumbling about before Rollins blew the fucker up. They go in....and find loads of cars, and the caravan. Cameraman is still alive....but it's a trap! Vegan girl gets taken, and whilst Football guy is watching Cameraman get decapitated (not shown due to budgetary and technical competence constraints) he gets taken....

Rollins is lurking at this point....and at this point you're thinking "Will this be total Obliteration? Will anyone survive this shit?"

But, Vegan girl and Football guy are....and Rednex are ready for dinner.....which is some kind of brown vomit stew. Vegan girl is barbed wired to a chair and Football guy is tied up.....the slop is served, and yes, here comes a cliche....

CLICHE ALERT 13: Vegan girl is force fed some human stew. VOM. Clearly done for some cliche filling quota/shock gross out tactic....

Here comes Rollins to save the day.....but....

CLICHE ALERT 14: He makes a fucking noise on the way in! Marine? He must have been kicked out for being the guy that stood on the twigs in the jungle, or the guy that knocks over bins in a back alley......Two stealth scenes and he's been about as innocuous as an avalanche.

The cannibals are alerted and abandon their meal to hunt Rollins.....he manages to take out the two kids with another dynamite arrow, but totally buys it after rescuing Vegan girl from her barbed wire chair hell and the Football guy.....at least he's not used as a battering ram this time. Still, quite an inauspicious way to be Wound Up......[/Black Flag song titles]

To end this piece of shit, Vegan girl is outside and Football guy is about to be fed into some nasty grinding machine.....Vegan girl comes back in, knocks over Momma Cannibal, BITES A FUCKING CHUNK out of Poppa's neck, and manages to feed him into the grinder....where mom soon follows....

And that's it.....I've seen it, you don't need to. The gore is more gross than gory - the scenes are too short to have any effect, and there are plenty of opportunities for comedy lost. Rollins steals the scenes he's in.....and he probably wishes he'd managed to get away with them and hide them forever.

It is basically fucking rubbish, but at no point did I want to turn it off.....which is damning praise if nothing else.

Btw, there is a Wrong Turn 3......the Davros baby at the end is shown to be still alive (you knew this because you never saw it die....)....I will not be watching that. I've already had a nasty turn watching this, and I can imagine it's more of the same.

4/10