Wanted (2008)

Directed by: Timur Bekmambetov
Starring: James McAvoy, Mrs. Pitt and Morgan Freeman

I watched this a couple of weeks ago, but I've only just been hit by the curved turd bullet of "Holy Fucking Shit! What the convoluted fuck was that?" that this monstrous pile of utter rubbish propelled at me from an unspecified location made up of what I can only assume to be infinite pile of primordial gunk yet to have the catalytic spark that would turn it into something good.

That's not to say that I was aghast to the atrocity that I had just witnessed when, through sleepy eyes and practically haemorrhaging ears, I heard Morgan Freeman utter "Oh shit" (or was it Oh fuck? *apathetic shrug*) before having a bullet exit his forhead to cue the end credits.

Don't get me wrong, I like my balls to the wall action films. I just don't like them stamped into said wall and force fed to me through the guise of Mrs. Pitt's naked ass. I can imagine that from start to finish that this was some sort of mastubatory fantasy for a select group of people. However, I fall into this category and am not ashamed to say it, but I'm not one to be conned by a bunch of disengaging scenes with a fucking knitting factory at the middle of it.

Okay, so the "curving the bullet" and shooting the wings off a fly bits are a bit screwy, but it's a decent enough quirk for a film of this ilk. But for fucks sake, knitting death warrants into some fucking cloth, jesus? I know it's from a comic book and they like their stuff whacky and if you change too much then you're going to be burning letters from angry fanboys for the rest of your life, BUT COME THE FUCK ON! It would have made far more sense if you'd got a "Stich'n'Bitch" group in to sort out the murdering contracts.

Plot? Fuck off. Seriously, fuck off.

The plot for Wanted is somewhere in this jumper.

With the guy that directed Daywatch and Nightwatch this should have been good. But he fell into that "foreign director's first Hollywood film" trap and pandering to tastes. It's not gritty and the moments that it would try and claim are brutal would be beaten into submission by the interrogation of Chunk in The Goonies. 

And despite all that, it is big, dumb and fucking annoying fun, though the law of dimishing returns would have me gnawing off my own leg if I ever had to suffer it again. But I might just watch it again to see if I can get the knitting pattern.

Overall: 3/10

Note: I am aware it wasn't knitting, but I don't fucking care.